ever since my parents divorced and the temple of my wonderful childhood collapsed i have been confused. sometimes depressed, sometimes excited (hey... that sound like bipolar disorder, doesn't it?), but always terribly confused.
when i was 16 i was looking forward to the age of 18 when the adulthood officially begins. beyond, i thought, there will be answers or at least some directions. i was very far from the truth. i went to the lpc camps and later to uwc in norway. ideals were set up high and then very suddenly i was released into the world. the world that corrupts as j.j. rousseou would say. but i still learnt very little about it.
currently i am studying at simon fraser university. i am almost 21 and i am very aware that i am determining my fate right here and right now. yes! whatever i do now matters in the future. let's not fool ourselves with blissful "carpe diem". though, the problem in my head is of a different nature. i just seem not to grasp the wholeness of the reality. i go into one aspect of life too deeply forgetting about the other, equally important, ones.
and what's the worst is that i can't concentrate on here and now. i have no motivation. sometimes i think i wanna get out of the place i am currently in. no, i don't mean vancouver. it's more general. i can't stay in one place for long. i am too afraid i'd get attached...
for last couple of weeks i have been living in the future, trying to figure my life out. find a meaningful goal i could yet again strive to achieve. i can't see it right now. i am stuck. the confusion arises yet again. what am i doing? all i know is that i am tired of this term and i wish it was over. only one more week of classes and then the finals. hopefully, by then the sky shall be clear again.
